What is it about weddings that makes people so vehemently eager to make an impression, be it financial, status-related, or sexual? Is it the acknowledgement that the day belongs to someone else and blowing one's own (non-existent) trumpet seems the only way to steal the limelight? Or is it utter dim-wittedness compounded by stupidity and ego which forbids certain guests to realise that on the given occasion, the Bride and Groom are slightly more important than they are?
The absence of The One in the "Mahim plus One" invitation went down very well with some in attendance, and didn't help the air of desperation. Take for example, Sleezebag and Scumball (names have been changed but identities may still be apparent). After the reception dinner, those who could rushed up to the bridal suite to check on the England v. Turkey score. While being escorted back downstairs in the luxurious five star Pennyhill Park Hotel, Scumball (who I hasten to say was not the Best Man) informed me that my job as bridesmaid was to "appease" the Best Man.
| Scumball: | I thought it was the bridesmaid's duty to sleep with the Best Man? |
| Me: | I don't think the Best Man's girlfriend would approve. |
| Scumball: | For the purpose of this conversation I am the Best Man. |
| Me: | In that case, for the purpose of this conversation, I'm the one getting married. |
Sleezebag the Non-Subtle took it upon himself to embarrass me any way he possibly could, until the gracious groom swept in, dumped his new wife and my best friend on his ex best friend (Sleezebag) and spent the rest of the track dancing with me. And for that, Rob, I am eternally grateful. (Though Rani possibly isn't).
Drunken testosterone aside, the wedding was beautiful, even though I was required to say a few words - which is what I stood up and did, as I had left my speech in my bedside drawer in Oxford. Armed only with what I wasn't allowed to say (under order of Rani and in the presence of "adults"), I did the best I knew how. Apparently I made people cry. Boredom? Emotion? Desperation? We'll never know.
But here, by popular demand, is a copy of what was said. It pales in comparison to Dave the Best Man's speech, wherein he referred to the Groom as the Exorcist:
"He Robs us of our Spirits."Very clever.
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THE BRIDESMAID'S SPEECH
Seeing as Rob has been so kind to me in his speech, mine will have to undergo some sudden last minute changes. I'm Rani's best friend. We met at boarding school, and it was immediately apparent to me and others around us that she really was one to work like she didn't need the money, love like she'd never been hurt, sing like no one was listening, dance like no one was watching.... Well, almost no one was watching... [I don't think Carol the cleaner has quite recovered from walking in to Rani's room with the vacuum cleaner at 10:00am to see Rani standing on her desk chair, hairbrush in hand, best outfit on together with full make-up, grooving to "Do You Love Me?"] We had secured full tuition scholarships together; we enjoyed the two highest positions on the student council; we were both prize-winners; and topped the A Level results jointly. When we would go out to eat on the weekends, we would be given four sets of knives and forks by the waiters - such was the quantity of food we could consume between us (though I can see Rani's in-laws are having a difficult time believing me looking at our respective frames). So imagine my shock, when Rani - my established life partner - called me up almost three years ago to the day to inform me: "I'm going out with this guy called Rob." It was true. Little had met Large, and I sulked for a little while at the thought of losing my best friend. Little did I know I was actually gaining another. That's the wonderful person that Rob is, and it's been a pleasure and a privilege getting to know your family over the last couple of weeks. Special thanks to John and Angela for their generosity and hospitality, Rani's parents, Laif and Magyan, and Albin and Rajni, whose acquaintance I have made through photographs over the last few years. Of course, with Rob in the picture, the eating competitions took on a whole new dimension, limited only by restaurant opening hours and expense. He still thinks he can out-eat me, he's sadly mistaken. But the one thing we do agree on, is the beauty, talent, intelligence, and grace of his bride. Rani you have been an exceptional friend, a caring sister, and a loving daughter. You both deserve nothing but the best, which is why I'm so glad you have each other. And so can we all raise our glasses... if I can find my glass [*search desperately for glass which has been stolen by Sleezebag*], and hope that - May the road rise up to meet you To Rob and Rani! |
